Has the time come to sell my body and soul – for rent? 

Some words by Alex Walker-Wilson.
June 2025.

Well, this has been surprisingly difficult for me to write. 

I’m unsure of what ‘this’ is, currently toying with ‘a plea’, ‘a cry for help’, or simply put, ‘the suicide of my design career?’.

Hopefully by the time I’ve finished writing this, I will have decided on what ‘this’ is. 

Who knows even if I’ll end up sharing this? If you’re reading this, either I caved, was pressured into posting it, or I lost hope in all shapes and form.

Times are hard. I didn’t think I’d ever be writing something like this. I think I held off writing my thoughts or worries because I thought it would immediately make me appear weak, for this reason I’ve always kept myself to myself, a quiet individual planning my next steps in life since an early age. I would a plan, I wouldn’t tell anyone, and I would make things happen.

Next month, I’ll be turning 44, and I feel like I no longer have a clear direction for any of these productive life steps, it seems that my only step has become ‘survival’. And I know that my biggest step should be ensuring that my two-year-old son can have an amazing, best upbringing possible with an amazing future and him not be affected negatively by being raised co-parent between two different cities across two countries. Him not living with me anymore is part of the reason I can’t watch him grow & mature day by day, and overall, I will have less influence towards him. It’s sad to say, even though I feel that i’m doing as much as I currently can, I’m starting to face this new reality and it makes me feel empty inside.

The past 8 months overall have been tough, and the past 4, almost unbearable. I’m still trying to keep a brave face and a positive attitude, but each day it is becoming more difficult. I’ve done all I can to make this manageable, a lot of time and money has also been spent to ensure this. Again, this is another story, I’m in no way looking for pity, and it is what it is. Finally, I’ve come to accept this.

Speaking to someone recently about this, I was told, ‘oh, I knew someone in a similar situation to you, and they ended up drinking themselves to death’. Wow. That was an eye-opener. Something I wish I could un-hear. But I can’t forget those words. Can I be strong enough to survive all that I’ve been through? Did I make the wrong choices in the past few years? For everything I’ve been through throughout my life, I can’t believe the past 4 months have been the hardest. I think this is part of the reason I’m not in a rush to go and speak to a someone about this, deep down it’s hard to face reality, and also worried about getting so many different opinions, especially from strangers. 

I could reach out to family, but my family is SMALL. Also, unfortunately we are not a close family. It seems there are so many clashes between each other. However, in the centre of this are my parents who have tried to hold the family together for as long as I can remember. My mother who has done everything in her life to raise me well, and as a single parent from the day I was born, until she met my step-father when I was approximately 8 years old. They married when I was about 10 or so, and together they have helped make me into the man I have become. There are things I’m sure I don’t know about them, there’s things they don’t know about me, again, we are not a close family.

However, they have helped me a lot. As much as they can over the past 8 months. And It brings tears to my eyes in how much they have been there for me, but that I am still reluctant to bother them as I know there’s nothing they can really do, and on top of that, I know they have their own issues to sort through.

And to my friends that I’ve known for years, those who offer to be there for me, and I apologise if I don’t reach out to you enough. I know you all have your own lives to live. And as much as you tell me ‘you can always come to me for help’, I’m reluctant to do so. I find it hard to you all and maybe that’s why I’ve lost contact with some friends over the years. I love all my friends and I’ll always be there for you.

I’ve always seen myself as ambitious, I started setting up my own company 20 years ago and started a limited company over 12 years ago, and it was all going well until 5 years ago. I can’t blame Covid, but the work from home trend – now get back into the office change has definitely impacted me trying to get remote work in the past few years. I’d happily go into the office, but starting to think that I made the ‘mistake’ of moving to Spain. What was I thinking, cheaper cost of living, sun almost all year, close to the sea, amazing food? But living here having to travel to the UK for work hybrid isn’t going to work. There’s still remote work, but as soon as I click on one of the ‘brand new un-motivational – Apply now, 200+ applicants have also applied’ links, just to be greeted the next day with ‘we’ve had an overwhelming response, and this position has now been filled’… this is becoming the norm. Scary. But real.

Typing this whilst I look out of my apartment window cringing, watching people on their hotel balconies taking what seems like endless staged, fake smile selfies, smiles which end as soon as they lower their iPhones instead of going to enjoy the city. And it feels unmotivating to be sitting here applying for jobs I know might never come. Reminds me of the other day, going for a walk, watching someone staging crossing the same road, back and forth with their partner/ friend helplessly taking endless photos just to get that worthy Instagram snap. Pffft.

Don’t get me started on social media. I thought starting an Instagram for my business would help reach some potential clients… what was I thinking? The algorithm immediately went wrong, I was seeing trash every time I opened the app, but at least I was getting hundreds of spam emails a week. Perfect.

Amazing… that hustle didn’t last long, I shut that down within three weeks. What was left? LinkedIn? The more professional route… ok, sounds decent, but now my linked in is full of ‘friends of friends’ or friends of ex-colleagues. Who are you all? And how should I react to your endless posts which show how ‘Thrilled’ and Excited you are at the moment. Thumbs up? Or should I ignore it? If so, why bother using it. But at least I’m starting to see more ‘Retirement plans, and what to do with my £300k plus savings?…  I’m sorry, you clearly have the wrong person or algorithm. Looks like it’s time to delete LinkedIn?

I recently got off the phone call with a recruiter with a position for a senior designer role ‘covering maternity leave’. I could work with that, I’m certainly qualified even if now I’m starting to doubt myself, my well-earned skills, by university degree. My online portfolio has a collated mixed range of work, so I can easily apply for different roles without having to spend hours creating different portfolios for each role. So, being offered an interview within 2 hours time (in which I still have to fully research the company and the role, prepare a portfolio, isn’t going to happen. I reluctantly asked if we could do the interview on Monday or early next week, knowing that I’ve just lost that opportunity, they said they will try, and they know it’s short notice. But I want to present my best self. I’m relieved that I got a call, these days, it’s become normal to ghost a candidate, or ghost a potential employee… where has the respect gone?

Getting to the point that I’m receiving more spam calls and calls from estate agents trying to make some commission, than I am getting calls regarding job roles. Recently i’m receiving more and more blatant scam phone calls or fake companies trying to make me unknowingly switch service providers. I’ve resorted to ‘silencing unknown callers’ from my iPhone settings. On one hand it makes me feel calmer, but I know on the other hand I might miss a call from a potential recruiter or employer. (But feeling positive that if it’s something positive I’ll receive an email).

Reaching out to former clients and colleagues has slowly grinded to a halt, all the amazing people I’ve worked with over the past 10+ years have either retired, changed their field of work. Some have even sadly passed away. As compassionate as I am, and I’m not a selfish person, and I’ve always tried to be modest, we are in a time that we have to be careful what we say or immediately get cancelled. Fair enough, but then people are going to be scared to speak. I’m saying this, because as compassionate as I am, one client passed away during the project, and there was nothing I could do in terms of ‘putting this reluctantly’ but I didn’t get paid.
One other client also disappeared. These are things that as a freelancer/ or someone who works for themselves has to prepare for. Yes, it might sound selfish, but what if I lost out on all my projects, lost my home, couldn’t afford to live, and passed away? Then could it be talked about?

I’ve always tried to create graphics/ websites in a way that the client can then modify these themselves. Me trying to cut their costs, teach them something, make the world a better place – did I shoot myself in the foot?

But we are also in a time where everyone can type into google/ or chatGPT, ‘make me a logo’, ‘draw up a concept’, so my skills are becoming ‘less’ relevant. Not completely, but enough that the rest of us designers looking for work is stacking up more than I think there are positions available in the world. 

These are the reasons I’ve come to realize that I might need a full-time job—something more reliable, stable, and secure. With less uncertainty and risk than freelancing, something more consistent and structured. I’ll have less freedom, but maybe it’s worth the trade for security.

In NO WAY have I lost motivation to work, I have passion for making things look nice, I enjoy meeting and working with new people, I’ve always been given (trying to sound modest here) but good to great feedback, but only negative feedback, has been some tell me maybe I’m too calm, positive and smile too much. Well, these few will be happy to hear, that these smiles are starting to fade. I have over 15 years of experience and worked for some amazing companies and with some extremely talented people, yet I’m losing the confidence to talk through my portfolio.

I’m writing this not necessarily looking for work, and I know that this ‘reflection’ (nailed it! with what to call it) And I’m pretty sure that might come across on the negative side. It’s not meant to make people feel pity towards me, and I already know some / many of you won’t reply or even read it, and to put it bluntly, you don’t have to. I won’t feel any differently towards you, but at least I know I’ve tried.

This is a message to let you know that I’m a designer with a skillset to bit to put in this message, but can easily be told to you if you ask. It’s also on my website, and linked in. If you have time, take a look. Or pass it to someone that might need some design work done now, soon, or sometime. My day rate hasn’t been raised in 10 years, yet mortgage rates have tripled. Property prices have also gone up a lot, but if I sell, I have to pay capital gains tax, and then what… I can’t afford to buy again. I’m fortunate to have something, but it’s not all perfect. But it’s not that bad… yet.

I’m looking for work, design work, consulting, websites, typing this is soo hard because I know there isn’t much work out there. Every day, the thought of starting an Onlyfans is becoming more appealing.

Don’t be surprised if I remove my LinkedIn Profile, or maybe I’ll disappear and start fresh, don’t be surprised if you walk into a gym one day and I’m offering personal training courses, or if you walk into a bar one day, and I’m using my passion to make you a Chai Tea Old Fashion (currently one of my favourite twists). If you have got this far in reading this, thank you. I mean it from the bottom of my heart. Hopefully this time will pass. I’m always here for a chat, and I’m always open to listen to any opinions on anything I’ve talked about in the above.

Love to everyone.